


Confession

by anathomical, rushindoll (anathomical)



Category: Safehold (David Weber)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 20:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anathomical/pseuds/anathomical, https://archiveofourown.org/users/anathomical/pseuds/rushindoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin Athrawes isn't precisely prone to introspection, which is why a sudden self-realization is so shocking.  More than a little adrift, he seeks the advice of Archbishop Maikel Staynair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

  * For [niqaeli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/niqaeli/gifts).



> Author's note: When I saw this prompt I nearly exploded with glee. In many ways it was a request for the story I've been itching to read since I realized that Weber wasn't going to deal with these issues himself, so I was incredibly excited that someone else wanted that story too. I don't feel like I've truly done it justice, and there's far too much telling and not enough showing, but I can't say I'm displeased with it because the question itself is just so compelling to me. I hope that it is for you, too.

"Then the pompous fool tried to explain that he deserved the tax break because of his tireless service to the kingdom," Sharleyan declared in amused exasperation. Cayleb chuckled, and even Merlin's on-duty face seemed like it might have slipped a fraction of an inch to show amusement. Cayleb had tried to convince Merlin that during private moments, like an intimate dinner with the emperor and his wife, the man could relax a little. After all, there were guards posted outside the door, and it was really their job to keep the imperial couple safe. All three of them knew that Merlin's post inside the room was really just an excuse to have him nearby so that Sharleyan would have a chance to grow more familiar with the taciturn man.

Cayleb loved them both, and he knew that they each loved him in their way. He desperately wanted for the two of them to come to see each other as more than people they trusted because Cayleb trusted them in turn. He wanted them to have a relationship of their own, one that stood independent of himself, but Merlin's tendency to to trust people slowly kept getting in the way.

"And now he's lobbying for a post in the imperial government?" Cayleb asked, letting his attention drift from the familiar thoughts to focus on his wife.

"'Lobbying' is probably giving him too much credit for political canniness." She rolled her eyes in amusement. "The man just talks on and on about how he's such a competent and trustworthy sort, two claims which even his allies know to be ridiculous, rather than doing anything effective." Sharleyan paused, then laughed musically. "Which, now that I think about it, is rather a relief. By being such an incompetent self-serving politician, he's really more a source of amusement than anything else." Her smile grew mischievous. "Maybe I should give him a post. Do you think we could manage to engineer him a position with those idiots in the Lords?"

Cayleb's laughter joined with his wife's, but it sounded a bit distracted because Merlin had stiffened slightly. Not in any physical sense, of course. Captain Athrawes had far too much control for anything so obvious. Even his expression was unchanged, maintaining that slight hint of amusement, but Cayleb had spent the better part of two years in constant company with the man, and he'd learned to pick up on those little unnameable signals of Merlin's mood. Cayleb didn't say anything, letting his attention to turn back to his wife, which wasn't really a hardship. If Merlin felt that whatever it was that had disturbed him, likely some unexpected happening in some distant kingdom, was urgent then he would say something.

Dinner continued with Cayleb and Sharleyan trading amusements, and since Merlin gave no signal that he needed to speak with Cayleb the emperor grinned a bit boyishly at his wife as the remains of dessert were finally cleared away. "Well, my lady, it seems that dinner is over. May I escort you back to your chambers?"

She answered with a musical laugh and an easy smile. "Such a generous offer, my lord. I am sure I would not want to seem ungrateful by refusing." As Cayleb walked around the table to take her hand, Sharleyan turned to Merlin and offered the barest hint of a playful curtsy. "Good night, Master Athrawes."

The guardsman's simple "Good night, my lady" followed them into the hall. The imperial couple spoke quietly, with frequent interruptions for laughter, as they walked to their chambers. Once the door was closed Cayleb let loose a laugh. "Flirting with my personal guardsman, are you?"

Sharleyan adopted a look of wide-eyed innocence that he'd quickly come to recognize as playful. "I am sure I have no idea what you mean, my lord. If that oh-so-handsome guardsman of yours took a curtsy and a few simple words of farewell as flirtatious, well... I'm sure that wasn't my intention."

"Oh-so-handsome is it, now?" Cayleb grinned, leaning in to kiss her. "And what about me?"

Her eyes danced as she leaned back slightly and reached up to lay her hand against his cheek. "Well, perhaps you could grow a mustache like his."

 

\----

 

Merlin Athrawes didn't pace in agitation, but the tension humming through him almost made him want to. It had been nearly two five-days since that dinner with Cayleb and Sharleyan. There had been others since then, of course, but Merlin wryly admitted to himself that it had been that one which had left him so unbalanced. After more than a five-day of his mind running around in circles he had realized that he needed to talk to someone about the situation. He had felt odd requesting a private meeting with the Archbishop of the Church of Charis, but there was no one else Merlin could think of who had Maikal Staynair's particular combination of steady wisdom, gentle sincerity, and, rather importantly, knowledge of Nimue Alban.

The arrival of the Archbishop's secretary interrupted Merlin's musings. "The Archbishop will see you now," the severe-looking man waved for Merlin to enter Staynair's study. For a man responsible for the spiritual well-being of a rapidly expanding empire, Maikel Staynair had a small and modestly furnished office. The desk and chairs were well-made, but not ostentatious, and the paintings on the walls were excellent, but clearly painted by young artists. It was the office of a man who preferred to have his visitors comfortable rather than in awe of his power and prestige.

"Merlin," Maikel stood and smiled warmly as he waved at one of the comfortable-looking chairs in front of his desk, "please have a seat."

Merlin strode across the room and inclined his head respectfully. "Thank you, your Eminence."

Staynair walked around his desk and settled into the other chair in front of it. "I have to admit that I was surprised to receive your note. I don't think that I can remember the last time you requested a private audience with me." Probably because it hadn't happened before.

The smile that settled onto Merlin's face was a bit wry. "I hope it was a pleasant surprise, your Eminence."

That drew an amused chuckle. "If I thought I could get away with it, I'd be demanding chances to talk with you alone all the time. After all, I have many questions, and you have quite a few answers." Merlin started to say something in response, but the Archbishop held up a hand. "But if you requested this audience, and while I'm sure you're far too polite to refuse my desire to interrogate you, you've come for a reason."

Merlin's wry smile slipped ever so slightly. "Yes. I have. I have recently had a revelation which has left me... unbalanced." Maikel lifted an eyebrow at the imprecision of the word, but waved for Merlin to continue. "I have realized that I am attracted to the empress." Then, lest there be any confusion on the subject, he added. "Physically." Then Merlin fell silent, waiting for some sort of response.

The Archbishop did not respond immediately beyond a thoughtful hum. After a few moments he nodded. "I hope you won't think it uncharitable of me to suggest that this is not an especially surprising revelation. The Empress is, after all, quite an attractive woman. Both physically and in her personality and bearing. In my experience those latter two are at least as important for attraction as physical beauty." He smiled reassuringly. "But you are an honorable man, Merlin Athrawes, so I have little fear that your attraction will lead you into compromising either yourself or the Empress."

"That's... true," Merlin allowed. "But it is not why I wanted to speak with you. What is bothering me is that while I am Merlin Athrawes, I am, or at least was, Nimue Alban."

Staynair cocked his head ever so slightly with the air of a man waiting for all the pieces to fall into place. Merlin paused for a moment, then plunged on. "Nimue Alban is not, was not," he waved helplessly at his inability to identify the proper tense, "attracted to women."

The only reaction Staynair had to this revelation was a slight widening of his eyes. He sat silently for a few seconds before emitting a soft "Ah." Merlin waited, suppressing his impatience, for the Archbishop to offer more than that.

"Are you still Nimue Alban, then?"

Merlin's face twisted into a frown of furious thought. "I think I must be, underneath everything else. I try not to think of myself as anyone but Merlin Athrawes, but Merlin Athrawes is nothing more than a character that Nimue conjured up and plays."

"Is that all he is?" Staynair countered. "You have lived his life for two years, and that life has been no act. Merlin Athrawes is no mere character; he is a man. Originally shaped by a single mind, perhaps, but in those two years he has grown and changed, has he not? He has been shaped by every friend and enemy he has made, and by every person he has encountered, just as each of us are." He paused, waiting for some sign from his guest that his point was understood.

The silence stretched out as Merlin, or Nimue, considered Staynair's words. "But if Merlin is based on Nimue, how can he--I-- suddenly find women to be attractive?"

Staynair chuckled. "You ask that as if what attracts one person to another is such a simple thing. Remember what I said: Merlin may have began as the sole creation of Nimue Alban, but he has lived among others for two years. And, perhaps ironically, you have spent so much effort thinking of yourself as Merlin that I rather suspect that Nimue's influence on who he is and what he believes has lessened. Oh, many of his core values remain the same, I'm sure, because they are the core values of Nimue herself, but even those have probably stretched and shifted in some ways. Tell me," Staynair smiled gently, "do you find yourself attracted to men."

"On occasion," Merlin allowed. "I remember being somewhat surprised to realize just how attractive the Emperor was, though that was before he was the Emperor. Or even king. But the surprise mostly came from the fact that he was so much younger than me, or at least than Nimue thought of herself as being. It was a different situation because I wasn't surprised to find a man attractive. That seemed natural."

"And recently?" Staynair asked. "Have you continued to encounter men you find attractive?"

Merlin began to answer, but then paused. The answer didn't come as readily as he'd expected. Eventually he shook his head slowly. "No. I don't suppose that I have."

Staynair nodded as if that had been precisely the answer he had expected. "Remember," he said gently, "that Merlin Athrawes has been shaped by his friends over the past two years." The Archbishop smiled slightly. "And at the risk of inflating your ego, Merlin Athrawes is a very attractive man." Watching Merlin's eyes flare wide Staynair chuckled and shook his head. "That wasn't meant as a personal observation, Merlin, I assure you. But it is true nonetheless. You are a fit man. You are also intelligent and have quite a bit of prestige, both of which are quite attractive. And, perhaps most importantly, you are a moral man. I should think you would be unsurprised to find women flocking to you."

"Perhaps," Merlin shrugged uncomfortably. "But I wouldn't think that would have much of an effect on how I felt about them in return."

"More than you might expect, but there is something else that I believe you haven't considered."

Merlin lifted an eyebrow in silent invitation for Staynair to continue.

"Your friends also recognize your attractive qualities and they, we, would be pleased to see you happily married." Merlin blinked rapidly at the thought, and Staynair paused for a moment before speaking again. "You must realize that you are precisely the sort of man that Cayleb, or I, or countless others would want to see married to a woman he cares about. And none of us have known you as anything but Merlin, the man who would make an excellent husband one day. You're quite an empathetic man, Merlin, you can't have avoided picking up on some of those expectations."

"I suppose that makes sense," Merlin allowed after a long stretch of thoughtful silence. He nodded to himself and pushed himself to his feet. "Thank you, your Eminence, you've given me much to consider."

"You're welcome, Merlin," the Archbishop returned with that warm smile of his as he also rose.

Merlin offered a short bow of respect and turned toward the door.

"Oh, and Merlin?" Staynair called, prompting the guardsman to pause and look back over his shoulder. "Two final things, if I may."

"Of course," Merlin agreed easily, turning to face the Archbishop.

"First, you are as much a member of my flock as anyone else. Regardless of who you are, Merlin Athrawes, Nimue Alban, or both of them, you are still a child of God, and it is still my duty and my privilege to serve Him through serving you. Please remember that if you wish to speak again you don't have to wait two more years to do it."

Merlin chuckled. "I'll remember that, your Eminence."

"And second, Cayleb is not simply your emperor, he is also a wise man. And your friend. I recommend that you speak to him about at least some of the things we discussed today. He knows you better than probably anyone else, and he might well have insights to offer which have eluded me."

"I... thank you, your Eminence. I will consider your advice."

Staynair chuckled. "See that you do."


End file.
